It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

I've been gifted, loaned and purchased many grief books in the two years since my son died. I can honestly say that none of those texts resonated with me and the truth of my grief experience more than Megan Devine's new book. She is a credible source of useful information, bringing not only her educational and occupational background to bear but more importantly her own life experience with deep loss and a broken culture. Above all, she is a truth teller and an advocate you'll want in your grief space. The beauty of this book is the universal insights it offers for EVERYONE who has experienced deep grief or desires to genuinely support another in their loss. The author outlines a refreshing take on grief for the reader's consideration, one where acknowledgment and a desire to love better are critical components in supporting ourselves and each other following a significant loss (ie. death, accident, illness, etc.) She adeptly explains the model's concepts in lay terms, provides numerous examples for better understanding, and recommends practical exercises that one can use to help identify and manage the impact of grief. The quotes from her writing students are especially relevant and poignant. I found Megan's work validating and thought-provoking, especially concepts such as her broader definition of "early grief", common platitudes (and why I feel their adverse affect), the critical distinction between pain and suffering (and how to minimize latter), grief as an experiment rather than a problem to be solved, and the vital role of acknowledgment and companionship in creating a way forward. One of my favorite sections is the appendix, an essay on helping a grieving friend, which offers carefully-crafted and readily shareable ground rules for supporting a loved one. I'd recommend reading this book if you or a loved one are in the midst of deep grief and looking for validation, guidance, and honesty in a post-loss world. This book, and especially the associated resources available at refugeingrief.com, are powerful tools for navigating your grief landscape with love and understanding. It's permission to grieve in your way and in your time ... and this has made all the difference in my own post-loss landscape.

Excellent. I really enjoy this book. I listened to it in Audiobooks. The Writer was so wonderful. It helps when the person giving advice has actually been through want they are giving advice on. This helped me with my grieving process tremendously and has allowed me to be able to understand that for the last four years while I was grieving my husband‘s death, it was OK not to be OK. And that it is OK to still not be OK. And that I cannot go back and undo what was done and I will neverbe the same person again. However, she gave me Sage advice for how to be able to move forward and continue to live. If I could rate this book higher than five stars, I would because it is a great and helpful and inspiring book. I listened to several chapters repeatedly. The voice was so soothing and peaceful. I LOVE IT. 💯👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾🙏🏾

I found this book shortly after the unexpected death of my mother and the first "major loss" in my life. I remember hearing time and time again that 'you'll be surprised at who shows up for you in your grief and who doesn't' but I figured I had a pretty good read on the people in my life. Lo and behold I was indeed surprised! In the days after my mom died, I was *shocked* at some of the things that were said to and expected of me by people I thought of as kind and empathetic. I felt extremely alone and also a bit insane that others were pressuring me to feel better and move on mere hours after experiencing the trauma of watching my mom die. This book validated my feelings (including anger!) and made me feel less alone and less crazy. My aunt was struggling with the same loss of her sister and wild things being said to her, so I sent her a copy as well. I've recommended this to others who are struggling with a loss of their own, as well as my friends who want to know, "What does it mean to show up in the face of grief?" I felt a lot of support and love when my friends read this book and we were able to discuss it together. There is an entire section for friends and family on how to support someone going through a loss which I think is extremely needed and helpful. Scrolling through the other reviews for this book, I want to mention a couple of other things. First, the author writes from her perspective of her loss (of her partner) and says she's primarily focusing on out-of-order, unexpected deaths. It seems as though some find this alienating, but it didn't bother me. She also talks about the "Grief Olympics", the hierarchy of grief and writes, "...every loss is valid. And every loss is not the same." This strikes me as inherently true (and perhaps even affirming in the context?) but some have found it off-putting. I think there's a lot to be gained from this book for anyone who is grieving if you can/need to look past that. Second, I saw a few reviews that dismiss the book because of the author's anger which makes me smirk! I didn't find the book to be particularly angry but I also think anger is a pretty healthy and normal reaction to a huge loss in your life?? I have anger around my loss, and again, felt seen and affirmed. Finally, I saw a negative review criticizing the author for her frustration around the (insensitive and unhelpful!) things people say in the wake of grief. This is an experience I too faced so it was helpful for me to hear Devine's perspective and made me feel understood. If you think people are just trying to help and doing their best and you don't think there's room for improvement on how individuals and our culture at large can better respond to grief then you probably don't need this book because you're already being supported! Unfortunately, that's not true for all of us, and if you've been struggling with others' responses to your grief, you might find this book extremely helpful in feeling seen and affirmed.

I have twice experienced sudden and early death in my immediate family. First my father when I was 17, to a stomach hemorrhage when he was 46. Then my husband of 23 years, to an apparent accident when he was 52, in October 2015. Since my husband’s death, I have read dozens of grief books – and I’ve found Megan Devine’s “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” to be among the most insightful and helpful. I feel the book is strongest in the first chapters on the reality of loss, why words of comfort feel so bad, and why our models of grief are broken and how to change them. I particularly appreciate the book’s discussion of out-of-order deaths – those occurring early in life – as deaths that “change the way you see everything” and “transport you to an entirely different universe.” Devine does a masterful job of distinguishing between grief experiences that are nearly universal in contemporary American society, and grief experiences that vary according to each individual – and presenting recommendations accordingly. The nearly universal experiences, which she discusses in some depth, include being told by friends, family, and professional therapists that our grief is a disease in need of a cure; and being advised that this cure lies in discovering what we have gained from our loss. Devine’s recommendations center around respecting pain and grief as natural and healthy responses to losing those we have loved, and accepting that the path after a great loss is something “between eternally broken and completely healed.” The more varied experiences include choices around managing the “mind-boggling number of things you need to do when someone has died.” Most grief books will advise grieving people to delegate as much as possible, but Devine respects individual differences -- noting that for some grievers, “taking care of these details is the last tangible, intimate act of love they can do for the person who died.” I feel the book is less original and less helpful in the later chapters on finding a way forward after loss and finding a new “tribe”. Now 3-1/2 years after the greatest loss of my life, my challenge has been to find people who BOTH understand my grief AND who share my other interests and values. I was hoping Devine might offer fresh insights here, or at least acknowledge that this is a challenge -- but I found little in the way of recognition or suggestions. Devine’s book concludes, however, with a message for which I am immensely grateful: “By simply stating the truth, we open conversations about grief, which are really conversations about love. We start to love one another better. We begin to overhaul the falsely redemptive storyline that has us, as a culture and as individuals, insist that there’s a happy ending everywhere if only we look hard enough. We stop blaming each other for our pain, and instead, work together to change what can be changed, and withstand what can’t be fixed. We get more comfortable with hearing the truth, even when the truth breaks our hearts. In telling the truth, and in hearing the truth, we make things better even when we can’t make them right.”

After losing my son to suicide, this book has been one of the only things in my life that makes me feel seen and understood. If I were rich, I would buy everyone in the world a copy of this book. It should be requirred reading for every therapist. If you really want to understand grief and grief support, read this book. If you are sick of hearing about the so-called "5 Stages of Grieving" and you feel like no one truly understands how excrutiatingly painful it is just to exist while grieving, read this book. If you feel like your therapist, friends, and family understand nothing about what it takes for you to wake up to another day without your person in the world, read this book. Megan Devine is someone who is just as fed up as you are with platitudes, cliches, and the shallow reassurrances offered by the well-meaning, but completely clueless, people in our lives. People who clearly do not understand what it feels like to drown in grief and still be expected to function and talk to other people as if you aren't shattered and screaming inside. What this book offers is understanding and compassion. It does not try to fix the unfixable, but instead, comes alongside you so that you can finally feel seen and understood. If you are desperate to tell the truth about your pain when people ask, "How are you?", but instead feel forced by societal norms to lie and carry on, read this book. Presence in Pain. Not Platitudes. I have read 42 books on grief since my loss, and this is the only one I would bother to recommend, and I recommend it to EVERYONE grieving any death, of any loved one, by any means of loss. As well as recommending it to those who want to understand and truly help people who are grieving.

This book should be an instruction manual for Life, not only losing a loved one! The book feels so accurate in my feelings and experiences. It’s helpful and effective, even encouraging, in gaining understanding and validity, and the ability to move forward successfully. It has been the truest reflection of everything I have felt about my life and every issue I’ve been through. I’ve experienced childhood trauma, medical and emotional difficulties, and multiple family deaths, including the sudden, unexpected loss of my 54 year old husband. I’ve never found the support I truly need from family or friends, and I’ve seen poor therapists until only recently finding, through persistence, someone valid and supportive. What I’ve felt, what I’ve received as ‘support’ from people around me, the results… all of it put me in a terrible place, with me believing so much was my fault, I was a horrible person, and I could never pick up the pieces. But when you can finally feel that you are valid in your feelings and even understand those around you, you can begin to overcome; and even eventually help others overcome in their times of need. A couple times I’ve discussed with my therapist what I’m learning from the book to get her feedback and perspective, which is always positive, and also in hopes she’ll read it because anyone can gain insight from it. Quoted from the book: “Many grieving people feel like they’re on another planet, or wish they could go to one. Somewhere there are others like them. People who understand.”

In 2022, I lost my mother to breakthrough COVID 19. She was 56, I was 31. Losing a parent at that age is hard, because so many things are geared towards folks whose parents were older, or for a child who has lost their parent. 20's and 30's are a tough in between. This, a dedicated Facebook group for people in that age bracket who have lost parents, and therapy have helped. Especially when the loss is sudden or in any way unexpected, it can feel lonely. Sometimes people say or do things that are meant with good intentions, but they don't bring comfort, and you may feel alone in grief. After a short period of time, it's like people expect you to be "over it" when a losing someone very close, be it a parent, sibling, partner, child or pregnancy related loss, is something you can never "get over". Yet, on some level, you do need to figure out how to continue and live in the "after" time. This book meets that need perfectly. It doesn't sugarcoat, claim that time heals all wounds (because it does not), or use faith based narratives about some cosmic plan. Instead, it helps you honor the emotions and grief that we are often encouraged to downplay or hide, and acknowledge reality. Doing that, allows real healing. Yes, I still miss my mother every single day, but this book helped me get through the worst of it, and find peace in honoring her loss while putting one foot before another.

This is the best book I have read about grief, especially early grief and especially grief of the loss of a beloved husband. I wish every friend of someone who is grieving a husband would read this. I will read it over and over because it specifically mentions the feelings and situations that I am experiencing now. I am grateful to the Megan Devine for sharing her experiences so those of us who are grieving know they are not losing their minds.