Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages

I've never understood how or why a gay person could or would marry a straight partner... but then, I've known I was gay from a young age, and never had any doubts about it; I could never pull off a heterosexual marriage convincingly. This is the first book I've read that explained it clearly, simply, and with no hint of judgment, anger, or prejudice. By asking a set of open-ended questions in a series of interviews, Mr. Dittmers shows the similar path that these men walk until they accept the truth about themselves. That becomes a framework in which we understand where on that path these men are - how early or far along in the process of self-acceptance, and also provides glimpses of what is yet to come, for both the straight spouse and the gay one. Finally the book ends with a list of questions frequently asked by the straight spouses, and provides answers that can be gleaned from the shared experiences of their gay partners. Mr. Dittmers' book changed my perception and understanding of these marriages, and also challenged my notion of what it means to be "gay" - which was most remarkable to me, as I always understood myself to be gay, and I thought I knew what it meant.If one engages only in heterosexual relations, privately indulges same-sex fantasies without ever acting on them with another person - is he gay? If one has engaged primarily in same-sex activities at a young age, but in adulthood settles into a heterosexual marriage and commits to it fully and monogamously - is he straight? I personally know individuals in both situations, and I have no idea how to answer those questions.My take-away from this book is that the only person who can say with certainty whether he/she is gay, straight, bi-, or undetermined, is the person him/herself. We may put labels on that person based on what we see and understand and to satisfy our own need to categorize, but that person's development and experience has to be taken into account as well. I used to think of these persons as "closet cases" which carries a judgment of its own, but I no longer think that after reading this book. A more accurate term might be "late bloomers;" like teenagers or pre-adolescents, these folks simply haven't had enough life experience yet to understand the truth about themselves. Patience is required more than predefined and simplistic labels.Mr. Dittmers, you changed by paradigm. Thank you!I highly recommend this book.

I was very distressed while I read this book. I had dared to have some shred of hope that it would shed some light on the possibility of somehow being able to save my marriage. Instead, it communicated that it was a foregone conclusion that the marriage had to end. While i don't disagree that the vast majority of the time this is the reality of the situation, i don't agree that it should be this way for 100% of the couples. I suppose that the real message is that both sides could heal more quickly and move on with thier lives if they would quickly dissolventhe marriage, but sometimes I think that we as a society are always on the lookout for the quick and easy fix. We don't want to put forth the effort to try and work things out because it is too hard or too painfull. I realize that this example is probably a poor one, but compare it to an overweight person who wants and needs to loose weight and get fit. There is no fast and easy way to achieve the results that you need without putting in a lot of time and effort. It is hard and strenuous work and something that must be maintained for the rest of your life in order to not end up back where you started. I see it as really not being so different from wanting to save a mixed orientation marriage. There will be many that disagree with me and that is perfectly fine. We are blessed to be able to enjoy the freedom of having our own unique opinions.

This is an outstanding book for anybody who has found themselves married to a gay man as I was fifty years ago. I published a book of my account a year ago and it has sold extremely well. For those of us, like me, who wonder, "Did my husband realize he was gay when he married me?" "Did he really love me," What was the matter with me to marry a gay man?" the author addresses these questions with numerous interviews with gay men who have married straight women. This is not a "sensational" book or a gay screed, or a gay "tell all." It is an informative book to show that many men who are gay marry with the best of intentions to succeed in their marriage. To the women left behind, it offers well thought out and and honest answers to their questions. To all women in this not unusual position, if offers some explanations of the all to human effort to find a meanfingful relaationship Even though gay, these men tried as hard as they could to deal with what many in contemporary society still think of as choice and or perversion. The author dispells these myths and aids in a more clear understanding of those women who find themselves in such a relationship and the man they marry. An honest and human book.

Outstanding!! This book is extremely well written. It's informative, enlightening and filled with stories that helps the reader come to some clarity about their own circumstances. At least it did for me. I was so impressed with the content and the way the information was presented, I wrote the author of the book, and she responded. Her knowledge and experience in dealing with this particular topic is only shadowed by how well written the book is. A heart wrenching faith to deal with, but writer shines a light of revelation, clarity, and understanding. Thank you,Sandra P.

I have read hundreds of psychology books, just to put my comments in perspective.This book explains the point of view of men who have decided to leave their marriages to live life as a gay man. There are valuable insights in the book, but it does not cover all aspects of the relationships of the marriage and is rather narrow in it's point of view. I would think this book would be a very valuable place to start if a married man were confused about his sexual identity or future.

If your like me and finding it hard this book will help , we are not alone