Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

For a couple of years now i've been on a quest to learn about narcissists & how to deal with them. Several years ago i lived with a man(boy) for 2 years (he is still in my life). at first his attentiveness & fixation on me & absolute "love" seemed great. inside, though, i had fears that it all couldn't be true. after a short period came the criticisms, blames & bullying, manipulating, control & always him trying to shut me off from speaking. he could not/would not hear my voice. making a longer story shorter, he started reminding me of my ex, who did almost identical things with me. i wondered what it was about ME that magnetized these people towards me. during this wonderment i was trying to diagnose this man/boy & he seemed to fit just about every personality disorder in the books, but, alas, when i came upon narcissism, it could not be denied that his spectrum of behavior patterns fit the narcissistic brand like a glove, and IN SPADES. and i had patiently listened over the years to the little he offered in childhood stories, which he glorified in the beginning, yet, after awhile, the neglect, the dismissal, the non-love emerged, though he has not been able to label these things as such - - yet. i read Nina Brown's books - Children of the Self-Absorbed & Loving the Self-Absorbed, then went online & read tons of Sam Vaknin's writings about narcissism, which was wonderfully illuminating! i would return back to Sam's stuff time after time over the years to help myself to understand what i was dealing with. Then, several weeks ago, Amazon advertising alerted me to Wendy Behary's book: Disarming the Narcissist. i ordered it speedy delivery - a first for me!! This book has finally given me what i've been wanting for years - a real & compassionate way to talk to these people without engaging the anger, running away, freezing (going silent - just agreeing) or becoming contentious, otherwise known as fight/flight/freeze. This book has given me insight into my past & some ideas as to how narcissists have turned up in my life more than once. my own deeper introspection sets me free. i keep working on it. meanwhile, Wendy Behary has given communication/expression strategies in dealing with the narcissist(s) in your life. This has produced amazing results for me on two rather serious occasions. my dear narcissist was once again blaming me for something he did & through compassionate listening & description of his & my feelings, the results were amazing. i asked for 2 things: that he admit & apologize. he did both. it took a couple of rounds to get HIM to say the right words AND to give eye contact, but he did it; i kissed him on the head in appreciation & then we continued having a wonderful evening w/out a fight, or contention, or blame. this IS serious work, folks. i'll not kid you - for me, i prepared what i was going to say & wrote it out, so i'd get it right, so it wasn't an instantaneous thing; it took careful thought & wording & i prepared him earlier that i had something serious to talk about later. he's still his same person, trying to fault me about things i said, or didn't say, trying to get me to agree to all of his negative convictions about life & society & people, cutting me off when i'm speaking, pontificating self-righteously & not standing for interruptions when HE'S talking - most of which can be sloughed off by me. one has to truly pick when to put that foot down. one cannot really change the narcissist or his/her patterns, but one can put a block on how much blame, criticism, projection one will allow the narcissist to 'get in.' so, i HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who has a person, or people in their lives who overstep their bounds with you, tend to push you around, dismiss you & your feelings, brag about themselves unrelentingly & blame you for the things they do. Wendy Behary talks of schemas & cognitive/behavioral therapy - all which deserve a looking into if one wants to really understand themselves and the people they tend to fall "into place" with. ~ Lanette, Connecticut

I’m sure you’ve experienced someone who often spends time with you but is devoid of any real interest in how you are feeling. Any yelling, crying or threatening never works. In fact, it seems to fuel their disinterest. Author Wendy T. Behary is an internationally recognized expert on Narcissism. Reading this book is like taking an in-home workshop on how to communicate with a Narcissist. Many of her clients are Narcissists, so you are in professional, caring, hands when reading her engaging 3rd edition. Behary’s research is based on two branches of science: The Cognitive view of how the mind is organized and interpersonal neurobiology. This scientific term basically is the study of how the mind, brain and relationships are intertwined. This process helps create compassion and well-being in our personal lives, relationships and communities. Another concept highlighted in the book is Schema Therapy. The goal is to teach people how they can get their core emotional needs met. Do narcissists trigger you? Not to worry. Wendy proves exercises to help overcome negative core memories other behaviors people have that can be triggering. A Narcissist relies on these to trigger you. This keeps you from feeling empowered. She provides you with language to effectively speak to a Narcissist. If you’ve been down this road already and it hasn’t worked, she offers guidance on finding a divorce attorney. Specifically, one who is Narcissism-savvy. Her guidance is completed with tips on how to co-parent with them. One hard truth in dealing with narcissists is that chances of a relationship ever working out with them is slim. However, solutions to this quandary exist in this book. The reader is given skills on how to communicate effectively in this situation. It’s up to you to change your lens towards them. Behary’s message is clear: no more making excuses or sweeping horrible behavior under a rug. Confronting them with empathy will give you self-respect. Using the practices provided will put you in the driver’s seat for once, finally forging your own, wondrous path.

This book could be disappointing if you are looking for an in depth explanation and analysis of narcissism. However, if you are looking for ways to help and protect yourself in relation to a narcissist, this book can help. The author gives a compassionate look at what makes a narcissist, in plain and simple terms without a lot of jargon or technical terms. She also helps the reader understand and identify how and why the narcissist manages to push his/her buttons, and gives simple exercises and suggestions for helping free him/herself from it. I would recommend "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" and "Why Is It Always About You?" for a better understanding of narcissism. And, I recommend "Emotional Blackmail", "Who's Pulling Your Strings?", "When I Say No, I feel Guilty", and "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" for more helpful information and guidance in learning how to protect yourself from this type of person. If you've already read these, then "Disarming the Narcissistic" may not be very useful or enlightening. But, I would highly recommend this book for the lay-person who may find him/herself caught in destructive relationship with the chronically self-absorbed narcissist, and is just beginning to understand it.

A wonderfully readable book ! Being unfamiliar with the term Narcissist , other than realising that it had a likely connection to Narcissus in Greek mythology , Wikipedia came to the rescue with a short summary phrase which I have borrowed here : "Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness." If you know someone who is like this - many of us do - read this ! Great cover too - in the background the word "ME" is shown over and over again - so if you know someone whose favourite phrase is "What about Me ?" and whose favourite topic of converstaion is themself , this could be the book that will help you ! Coincidentally , "Mimi" ( Me Me ) was the nickname that we had applied to our Narcissist before we even knew the term or the book - no surprise that we found it appropriate !

No lo recomiendo, para los que hemos vivido con personas narcisistas la empatía hacia ellos no funciona para nada. Lo mejor es no seguir siendo una fuente validación para ellos ósea hacer la técnica de la piedra gris, y no tener contacto, les recomiendo mejor este libro: The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment de Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman. Si están leyendo esto les deseo lo mejor en hacer una vida nueva, salgan de esa relación, toma tiempo pero es posible, disfruten cada batalla ganada.

Very interesting book as it explains the Narcisstic traits and highlights your own enabling schemas, once you face your own memories and conditioning, you will release your old memories and adapt new beliefs for yourself, you will realize that you and the N in your life share some schemas like subjugation and self esteem issues, that's one reason why you usually take the abuse and feel hurt...The book gives good techniques to use when facing the Narcisstic's abusive behavior, you mostly need to stay conscious and aware of the N's patterns and conditions (at the same time as yours) and react appropriately instead of reacting defensively (as you used to), you will be able to do that once you have developed compassion towards yourself and towards the N in your life. I get the impression that this is not an impossible mission but it may take long and hard work to get the Narcisstic to take responsibility for their actions and verbal abuse then correct them, you will get no where if you keep reacting defensively and hurt the N back, it is like hurting a child (because that is what they are inside) you need to almost learn to educate them once again using a loving and compassionate language. I am in a relationship with a N and am still in the exploration phase, I used to feel hurt and suffer so much, I am now at a phase where I feel detached from whatever the N says but it is still tough at times (when you don't expect it!), I am trying to learn to develop my communication skills, this is great effort. I find the exercise worthwhile because weither the relationship remains or not, I would have overcome my own issues and learnt how to face abusive behavior.

Timely delivery and item in great condition. Amazon had also bulked the order with another book that I'd ordered from another retailer to save delivery time/packaging. Thanks!

This book is very helpful to those who have to deal with narcissists in their lives. Wendy Behary not only explains how narcissism develops and how to detect narcissists, she also comes up with a really good working approach on how to deal with these people.I tested it myself on my former husband suffering from a full blown narcissistic personality disorder.Of course you have to do a lot work on yourself to really survive and thrive confronted with narcissism.Wendy Behary shows the way with compassion .