The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace

This book saved my marriage. After 5 years, my husband was ready to call it quits. He was no longer romantic or helpful. He never wanted to have any intimacy or hang out. He started to lie and buy expensive man toys and spent all of his time on hobbies. It was a constant struggle to get him to even help with the dishes. He even started to secretly smoke again. He was unwilling to compromise with anything and I really had no idea why. He even got verbally abusive in some of our worst arguments. I thought I had married a monster! When we were dating, he was the most romantic and sweetest man I had ever met who wanted to make me happy all the time. I felt like marriage had changed him and I was accidentally fooled into marrying the wrong guy. Finally, he explained how unhappy he was. He felt disrespected and he felt like I treated him like a child. He didn't want to even hang out with me for fear of being nagged or treated like he was inferior. He said he looked at other couples and felt sad when he saw women laughing and looking up to their men, because he thought I looked at him like a piece of garbage. I didn't want to face that all of this was true at first, but then I read this book and it was like reading my memoir. As soon as I started making changes, even small ones, my husband started to change too. He started to help out more. He asked me to help him with his hobbies. He started to be open and communicate about finances more. He even told me he was quitting smoking again and would be open about it. But the best is when I caught him gazing at me, something I hadn't seen him do in years. And this is when I'm pregnant and in sweats! Some of the negative reviews think this book is degrading to women or belittles them. What is so degrading about treating your husband with respect? Nobody likes to be nagged. Nothing is attractive about being his mom! Men don't get married, so their wife can change them. They get married because the woman accepts them for who they are and makes them feel good about themselves. Marriage shouldn't change this! And when you treat someone as if they were amazing, they usually will live up to that! You married him for a reason, right? You shouldn't treat your man as a woman either, because...well he's not and men and women are different in so many ways. And thank goodness! I would never respect my husband if he acted like a pushover! What if your man told you what to do? What chores to do, when to do them, how to do them? You would think that is pretty disrespectful. I used to think it was a woman's job to fix a man, but I was so wrong. A woman's job is to build her husband up, to make him feel good about himself, and to appreciate what they do. In return, they will be more helpful and they will desire you. You can fight these concepts if you want, but considering the divorce rate (and that doesn't include the men that are unhappily married and/or straying), I'll take my chances with following them. I think with feminist ideology and the marriage relationships we see on TV (think Everyone Loves Raymond, King of Queens), we have viewed men as stupid and lazy and the wife needs to fix them. But are those women attractive? Physically yes....but their nagging and complaining makes them anything but! If they were more gentle and respectful, they would be hot! I can't even watch those shows anymore, because they are so annoying and in real life those men would be miserable or cheating or on the way to the lawyers office. I am an educated, working mother-to-be. I'm strong and independent. But I also want to be seen as a desirable and attractive woman for my husband, and I want him to be the leader of our household. I think that is true feminism. Being intelligent, hardworking, and strong, but also being vulnerable, desirable, and trusting. That's sexy! This book showed me how disrespectful, and in some ways abusive, to my husband. But it gave me concrete ways to fix it. My husband is now back to his sweat, romantic, trustworthy, respectful, and helpful self!

There are a couple of books I’d credit with “saving my marriage,” and this is definitely one of them. It has a similar message to fundamentalist Christian marriage books, yet is completely secular, and actually makes its case much better. It’s one of the most profound books I’ve ever read, yet is difficult to summarize. It doesn’t exactly fall within any of the usual domains of thought. It’s hard to imagine how this book even came into being. The book could be subtitled, “How to stop being a controlling shrew.” Or perhaps, to put it in the author’s words, “How to give up control and gain real power.” Or “what feminists need to do when they come home at night” (hint: change hats). It details the authors journey from being a typically frustrated modern woman, complaining about her marriage and contemplating divorce, to seeing the error or her ways, and achieving great happiness. The book begins by explaining that many of us, when things didn’t go exactly right in our childhoods, responded by developing a need to be in control. We became control freaks, which allowed us to feel that we wouldn’t be hurt. She describes how a therapist assigned her to allow her husband to take her to dinner, and make all the decisions, including where to go and what food to order. Even in such a non-threatening venue, she kept inserting little “prompts,” and really was unable to allow the process to happen. She also had hilarious but painfully familiar examples of dialogues she used to have with her husband – subtly or not so subtly seizing control of every situation – and invariably either screwing it up, or ruining her husband’s motivation to do anything. But probably what keeps filtering back into my mind the most from the book is her descriptions of “how your husband really does love you …” Doesn’t he go to incredible lengths to please you? Doesn’t he devote his whole life to making you happy, in a sense? Isn’t his world destroyed when you’re unhappy? This is so true, at least in my case, and so easy to miss or forget. I don’t know whether it’s idiocy, insanity or lack of self-esteem, to fail to see this so completely at times. Another point that keeps coming back to me is her examples of all the rationalizations we tell ourselves for maintaining control, criticizing and trying to “improve” our husbands. Somehow I really had developed this fantasy that I was so well functioning, and my husband goofed up everything he dealt with. Aside from the very dubious reality of this viewpoint, we all have to make our mistakes. We tend to forget our own mistakes, and remember the other person’s. Now, whenever I think or more likely fantasize that my husband is blowing it, I remind myself, as the author says, that if he really is blowing it, he’ll learn from his mistakes. And that if you’ve been controlling everything for years, it’s going to take some time to get out of that mode. Another issue is that I was raised in a family that thought highly of giving feedback, which made sense to me. Then I married a man who had no use for feedback, whatsoever. Since I saw feedback as a positive thing, I was always trying to give it to him, and it infuriated him. After almost twenty years of battles over this, I had reduced it to a trickle, but not enough. This book contained a chapter on the destructiveness of trying to change or improve your husband. Didn’t you marry him in the first place? If he’s going to change, is it going to be the result of your nagging at him? (Absurd idea.) So I was finally able to see his viewpoint as legitimate, rather than avoidant and cowardly, as I had seen it before. What amazed me was that so many of the exact, word-for-word arguments I’ve had with my husband were contained and explained in this book. One argument we had for years is that my husband used to say to me, “When I talk, just say ‘uh-huh.’ I don’t want to hear all your commentary, arguments, and so on.” I would look at him like he was crazy and say, “Are you out of your mind? Do you really want me to just be a robot and say nothing but ‘uh-huh’ to you?!” Yes. He was adamant that this was what he wanted, so I really had no choice but to reluctantly comply. Well, there was a whole chapter in this book on the reasons to only respond to your husband with “whatever you think” at all times (e.g. “uh-huh”). I don’t have the book with me – I lent it to a friend – so I forget her exact reasoning, but it made sense. Another argument we used to have was that he would throw fits over my giving any direction while he was driving. From my point of view, it was hard to keep quiet, since he invariably went the wrong way, or took circuitous routes to wherever we were going. But again, he insisted I should say nothing. I finally asked him, “Even if you’re going in the wrong direction, you don’t want me to say anything?” Yes. So again, thinking this was the most insane thing I’d ever heard of, yet feeling obliged to honor his wishes, I disciplined myself to keep my mouth shut no matter where he went. Well, within some chapter, this book admonished wives to, “say nothing while he’s driving, even if he crosses the state line...” And my husband did eventually stop going in the wrong direction. Another chapter instructed wives to always be open about what we want – everything we want – using the simple words “I want so and so” but to give no advice or instruction to husbands on how to accomplish these things. Another frequent argument of ours. Shortly after reading the book, I was giving my husband my usual detailed instructions about how to complete some minor household repair. He said to me, actually rather nicely, “Just tell me what you want. I have a brain. I’ll figure out how to do it.” Again, words right out of the book, which I hadn’t discussed with him. All in all, I can’t say that this book changed my actions that radically. I haven’t gone so far as to turn my bank account over to my husband, as the book advocates. What has changed more than my actions is my goals. I now have the goal of zero feedback. If there really is a problem, I try everything else first, or wait and see if time will somehow take care of it. And I’ve found that now that I’m genuinely and sincerely trying to avoid giving him feedback, he is able to accept it when I feel in my heart that I really need to make some comment on what he’s doing. I can’t even say how much this book has helped me. My husband had complained bitterly, forever, that I was always controlling everything. Actually, he expressed it whenever we really tried to get to the core of what was wrong, which wasn’t very often. Maybe he just gave up. From my point of view, I just didn’t get it. My viewpoint was that I tend to take charge, and he refuses to take charge. I was used to men who are controlling, having been raised by one, and without knowing it, I saw life as a battle for control. I couldn’t see it any other way. This book showed me the virtue of not being in control, and of actively not being in control. If you’re an active person, you have to actively and voluntarily not be in control; actively support someone else in being in control. Needless to say, our marriage has improved about a thousand percent.

Being a "Surrendered Woman" means loosening your iron fist and relinquishing some of that control back to the MAN (not boy) you married. It means accepting your husband for the unique individual he is, instead of trying to teach him how to be more like you. I found in my own marriage, that as I expect less of my husband, he expects less of himself and the more headstrong I am, the less my husband seems to care about making decisions. Of course I have a hard time accepting that I have so much power over how he feels about himself and how he acts in our relationship (don't men have minds of their own?!), but nonetheless, I can chat with my girlfriends about why husbands are so affected by their wives - I needed a practical way to deal with the fact that my husband seemed to be reverting to childhood. By ignoring my natural inclination to take control and leaving control of the relationship "up for grabs," my husband had the opportunity to take it back (Yes, back. Remember dating your husband? Did he decide where to eat dinner, what to do, who would pay, etc? If he was capable of making good decisions then, he is still capable of making them now!) and, here's the best part, HE DID! Now he is more confident in himself and we are happier at home. By relying on him to change the oil in the car before my trip, wash the dishes "correctly" or drive us safely to our destination, I am telling him I trust him, need him and find him to be capable. Who doesn't want to that? The concepts in Doyle's book are nothing new to those of us who read Christian-based marriage books; however, Doyle made a few distinctions that I found extremely helpful. 1. When you revert to your old, controlling behavior (habits are hard to break), remind yourself that if you have done ONE thing in this book you have made progress! Don't beat yourself up over the times you mess up. 2. Apologize often and be specific. 3. Do not look to your husband for positive encouragement on this journey back to the real you. Your husband married you because you are a wonderful, loving, fun individual - not because you are a scary, controlling, mother-figure! Reverting back to the girl he fell in love with does not deserve a pat on the back from him. Talk to your girlfriends for support, they will be more than happy to admire you when you take the high road in your relationship. Although they may seem obvious, these three points made a big difference for me. The only part of the book I did not agree with was the section on finances. My husband and I had a very frank discussion and we decided that, for us, me handling the budget/bill pay just works better. Other than that, this is one of the best books I've read concerning marriage from a wife's perspective. I liked Doyle's practical approach. She didn't sugar coat how hard it will be to change learned behaviors. It is HARD to give up control, but it is VERY nice to not be responsible for every little thing in the relationship all the time. I would recommend it to any woman who is having a hard time letting go control.

I'm in a very happy marriage and bought this book with the idea that my marriage could always be better. I'm always looking for new ideas and approaches to increase our intimacy and our joy with our marriage. I have to say that this book is pretty useless to me though. I'm not a "control freak" kind of person; I don't criticize my husband or try to control him; I adore and respect him; and we have an extremely balanced and equal relationship. This book seems to me to be mostly about women who *are* very controlling in their relationships. I can certainly see how this book would work for someone in that situation - SURRENDERING the control would certainly help, probably in exactly the manner the author claims. I just don't think every single wife out there is suffering from these control issues, and for those of us who aren't - this book won't help. Perhaps I should have known when I took her quiz in the beginning of the book and scored almost as high as possible on the "good marriage" end of the scale that I wouldn't really benefit from this book. It was still interesting to read though. [I do disagree with some of the parts about keeping secrets and such - that's always detrimental to a good marriage in my opion]. For a woman who is in a troubled marriage and who does have "control issues", I think this book might be a good place to start looking for a new perspective. It would certainly be worth checking out at any rate.

This is a challenging and great book. My marriage has grown better and he's been extra adoring since I started following these principles. And I do make plenty of mistakes still. I would recommmend this to every wife. Problem is, not every wife will be willing to swap her controlling behaviours for a happy marriage. Only read it if you: 1. Want a strong alpha male for a husband (and who doesn't?) 2. Want him to treat you like a precious jewel (and who doesn't?) 3. Want these things more than you want to feel right, superior or comfortably skeptical about your husband's abilities to do basic s*** in life. You really have to want to have a happy marriage to read this with an open mind. If you're rigid or defensive when you read it, you won't like it or apply it or benefit from it. You also have to know - men desperately want to be able to make their wives happy. And in here is how to do it. She discusses giving up "control" of your husband. And you may be surprised at what constitutes as control. Everything from innocently telling him what to dress the baby in to telling him how to drive like a nagging little pain in the neck. You see, when you do these things you are really saying "I don't trust you to do a good job of it on your own." And in truth, you might not trust him!!! We have all been there. BUT the essence of this book says in part: Men take their self-perception from their wives. (So Ladies you have to fake it till you make it). So if you are used to criticising his way or just advising him, you undermine his ability to be the man you want him to be. You see? From her book, is a quote by John Gray who wrote Men are From Mars: "When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will wither consciously or unconsciously repeat the behaviour that is not being accepted. He feels an inner complusion to repeat the behaviour until he feels loved and accepted." He didn't meet and marry you so that he could be advised on every action for the rest of his life. If you're advising or demanding - you're mothering = so not sexy & desirable. (ie. forget roses and chocolates if you're bossy.) So that sums that up. Onward. She also discusses how once you give up control, (allowing him to man up and be awesome like you wanted when you married him), you can tell him anything and everything that YOU WANT. Knowing what you want without a demand or controlling how he provides it, allows him to figure it out and provide it, if it's possible and to become the man whom can provide it! I can back this up - my man would give me anything. And if you don't ask for it, you probably won't receive it. She is a big supporter of self-care, time to yourself etc. Really worth a read if you take marriage seriously. I'm applying 7/8 of it. There's a quote by the author when she says not to tell him to turn around even if he's missed his turn and is in danger of leaving the state. Maybe in time I'll see it her way, but for now as a newbie, that's just not being a good partner to neglect mentioning something, in my opinion. But I can see that she's saying the less you say, the more trusting he knows you are, the better he'll do for you both.

I found this book at a crisis point in my marriage. The stories and reviews from this book gave me a lifeline and hope for my future. The skills Laura presents in the book are practical, simple and effective. As I began implementing them, the hostility and bitterness in my marriage started to dissolve until my husband shared 6 months later that he was falling in love with me all over again. I highly recommend this book!

I am not a religious person, so it had never even occured to me to be a submissive wife! I thought that was just something people felt obligated to do because of their beliefs. Well, I met some lovely women online who seemed so happy with their lives and their marriages. My marriage was already great, but it had it's snags and I was worried over the years they would get worse. I figured what the heck, it would be interesting reading if nothing else. No harm done, I don't have to listen to a single thing it says if I don't want. Well, I was just amazed by what she said. I thought long and hard about her logic and her approach, and it did actually make sense to me. I thought about various occurances with my husband, exchanges we had, how I behaved and his reactions. I realized that she seemed to have something very powerful to say. I started following what she said, and was thrilled with the results. I told my best friend about the book, she was skeptical, but ordered it on my advice, now she's doing it too and SO happy! I have truly learned I cannot control my husband, and if I try it just makes everything worse. I can be myself. I can express my feelings and my frustations and my wants. I just need to do it the right way. When my husband disappoints me, or is not as helpful as I'd like, it really doesn't do any good to lecture about it. It just doesn't. I have learned to let go of the things we have agreed are his responsibilty. He will do them when he's ready. I am less stressed out not trying to control and worry about everything for both of us! Our communication has improved SO much! Before I would try and get into lengthy conversations about things, ask him specific questions trying to see what he thought, etc. Now I know to understand the way he communicates, and just sit back and let him take control of conversations. I highly recommend reading this book, it is very interesting and thought provoking, and you may just like it! I do not feel like I have lost any control over my life at all, I just feel that I've made my marriage better!

This book *is* a life-changer (at least for me). Finished First We Kill All the Marriage Counselors (same author) and wanted to read more. Glad I did! "Surrendered" in this case doesn't mean "subjugated." It means something that would make sense to anyone who's been through a Twelve-Step program (and many who haven't). It means to surrender inappropriate control: in other words control over other people's stuff. Now this isn't a new concept by any means, but this author actually goes into practical ways to DO what she advises. For anyone who's ever been abused control is big issue! Just being told, "don't be so controlling" is both frustrating and shaming - nor does it get good results! On the other hand, being given actual scripts and actions to replace the fear - and, hence, the control - is affirming. Laura Doyle has been there and writes with compassion, humor and a straight forward style. I find myself alternately yelling at the book and laughing myself silly at it. In all that the "Ah hah!" moments are all but constant. Doyle recognizes and empathizes with the fear that underlies all control (both female and male). She gets me laughing at myself, which, of course, lowers barriers and allows seemingly impossible changes to happen quickly... really quickly! The other thing that's so healing is that she illustrates situation after situation in which control is rearing its ugly head in ways that most of us with control issues don't even see... until we "hear" our words coming out of another woman's mouth or see the reaction in someone else's husband that we've seen in our own. This has not only helped me to see incredibly subtle ways that I'm still in another person's "stuff" but has also helped me to see many subtle ways in which my husband is still [trying] to control me; ways that he's not even recognizing in himself. Rather than make me angry, it's given me the tools and ability to shrug it off and do something affirming for myself in those situations - without further triggering *his* fear/control response. All in all, I'd have to say this book is a literal answer to prayer for me.

I wrote a review but now I have to edit it. Firstly I really admire Laura. The title of her book is risky. A bit misleading because it suggests to the untrained eye, subservience. There have been 1 star accusations of training to be a 'gold digger' (perish the thought that a woman could possibly use a man - men wouldn't never do that with sex or money with women right? Unheard of!) I digress. This is really the kind of hard to swallow advice you might get from a beloved traditionally long married Aunty. Here we are living in the modern world with the world at our feet. Why are our husbands so very hard to get along with? Well because we have inherited such huge generational changes in terms of the opportunities and role of women in the world (especially first world countries) but for me? Not much has changed. The unwritten script men follow is by and large the same as it has always been. Ours have had constant re-writes. Laura's book is about restoring respect for ones partner not implementing subservience. She definitely is not about trickery either. Sometimes social media encourages us to say it like it is or to fight with our husbands. "I'm not taking that!" "He is NOT going to tell me what to do". This kind of thing but it's the way we say it that if our husbands spoke to us the same way we'd be mightily offended. Plus there is the notion we are entitled to take our controlling ways out on our other halves. She doesn't suggest you work through this book together. Phew! Most husbands would laugh or run a mile. Or the changes would seem contrived. We can only change ourselves. It's also about taking care of ones self and releasing the guilt of that. You can swallow this book any way you like but read it carefully. She is stating what's works. She says stay away from abusive relationships. this is unworkable. But husbands who can act like rude donkeys or are acting in a way that you butt heads metaphorically can be salvaged. It's about holding your tongue when there is no need to control. When it really isn't your Business. It's about peace in your home. Having confidence in yourself again. Knowing your limits of influence over another grown educated adult. It's about reducing conflict for the sake of your children and as far as I know Laura doesn't have children but it doesn't make her any less qualified. But we all know having children is a massive game changer. The one thing I disagree with is to surrender financial responsibilities to your husband. If you want to do shared finances ok. If your husband is initially controlling in this aspect then bear this in mind but every woman needs her own financial back up. A flee fund as it's called! Work towards at least 6 months rent. A figure to make you feel secure. Your husband could not leave you anything or if you are married to a traditional man from a different culture then there could be a host of female family dependents eager to kick you and your children to the kerb the minute anything happened to him. With no guilt. Keeo some money tucked away. But apart from that. Read this supposedly light toned book DEEPLY because it will make your head spin. Your friends will not respect you for it and there is a good chance you will be sneered at. But they won't know why your marriage is starting to work again and they are stubbornly stuck in misery. Thank you Laura.

Must read who are married or about to marry❤️❤️

My partner and I went through several breakups in the past years. When things were good, which they were 98% of the time, they were really good. But when we argued it was so damaging with no way out but to end our misery. Yet I also knew that believing the next relationship would solve the problems I had now, wasn’t the answer, I would always bring myself to the next one, and for sure would have the same problems. I felt it was his fault because he has a strong character and an anger issue. Now I see how I contributed to all of this. Reading the book was like reading my own mind. I understood the inner conflicts I had, of wanting to be independent, feminist, everything should be equal, yet also desiring that he take the lead. I was afraid to lose myself, my self-worth, my independence and my voice. In the book she explains very clearly what to do, how to do it and the results from it. I spoke to my partner about it all, and he agreed with basically everything. Now I am implementing the new ways, Nd just after a few days he said he noticed a difference, that I respected him more, didn’t fight back to be right, and gave him more space. I have no doubt this will solve our problems, as it was a power struggle. I am so so grateful for having found this book and now recommend it to other women. Forever grateful!

Honestly I wasn’t sure what to expect with this book- but I devoured it in 2 sittings lol Have begun to implement many of the suggested approaches and am already feeling enormously better. Also terrified at times, but trusting the process. I think it’s true that the Feminine needs invite the Masculine into His fullness and to step into its mature relationship with itself, through its relationship to the Feminine. This isn’t about turning back to the 50s… it’s about stepping it up into the 2020s

un libro acuto e intelligente che ho letto in pochi giorni. offre interessanti spunti di riflessione. ho potuto notare sinceramente dei miglioramenti nella mia relazione utilizzando i consigli espressi nel libro, per questo lo consiglio ad altre donne.